“Men only want one thing, and it’s freaking disgusting,” says the popular memefied tweet. It spawned a million responses and variations showing the diverse interests, hopes and dreams of men. But really, men do only want one thing, it’s true. And I’m close to getting it. 

I’m sweating, my computer’s working overtime. “I know. I know. Work with me here,” I mumble, as the gamer PC battles with Paradox’s Clauwewitz engine. “We’re almost there,” I whisper. My armies are this close to catching up with those of the German pretenders near Ancona, Italy.

The date is July, 1209, and I’m the Byzantine emperor, leading an invading army. My forces crossed the Adriatic Sea like a vengeful storm. The war is fought over the ownership of Italy, but the real prize is the Roman Empire.

And the game is Crusader Kings 3, a medieval 4X empire builder/adventurer-rpg/… dating simulator? It’s all a bit confusing at first. But really, all you need to know is this: Everything you think about when you think to yourself, “what if I was a Medieval lord” is included in this sandbox monster of a game that is both infinitely complex but also simple and straightforward at the same time.

The concept is this: You pick a ruler, any ruler, from lowly count or even landless adventurer to the Byzantine or Holy Roman Emperors or Abbasid caliphs. You can also create a new character to insert into any title within the centuries of history that the game covers. After this, you take control of that character, and eventually, their descendants. Then, for dozens and dozens of hours, you stare at a map of Medieval Europe, Asia and North Africa, conquering, scheming, plotting, overthrowing, backstabbing, seducing, conquering some more until, theoretically, the game’s time period is up – But realistically, until either you become too frustrated with your kingdom collapsing around you, or else, you get bored of winning and “blobbing” other kingdoms into your unstoppable empire. Rarely does a playthrough reach the end date.

And therein lies the question, why do so many gamers stare at a map strategy game without a clear end, especially when it’s a sandbox game without a narrative, a story, or anything coherent, like a campaign, to keep you engaged?

I can think of a few reasons and not all of them will apply to every other such game, but Crusader Kings 3 is in a sweet spot, a comfortable habitable zone between the casual gaming experience and hardcore strategy, where various interests align.

First, there’s the 4X grand strategy passion for empire building, army management, and procedural world domination. In this regard, CK3 is not the best contender because so many shortcuts, buffs and gimmicks can be stacked to “cheese” victories relatively easily that some, with a serious dedication to authenticity (and probably a home library of military history in a separate room) will find it immersion-breaking.

Which is understandable, when you realize that it is entirely possible to beat the Holy Roman Empire into submission while playing as a lowlife gallowsbait mercenary adventurer leading a bunch of Varangian Viking veterans, Arab Mubarizon warriors, Magyar horse archers and indian war elephants as you roll up on the banks of the Tiber in a dingy boat and take Rome in an afternoon.

Second, there’s the historical what-if. You can play anything. You can start a Viking empire and in a hundred years, convert Constantinople and Baghdad to the worship of Odin. You can save Byzantium or do the Reconquista early, going for a Spanish Empire led by Aquitaine. You can go with the Magyars, invade the Carpathian Basin, found Hungary, then take the Holy Roman imperial seat for the House of Árpád. You have to look at it through squinted eyes but you can indulge in your historical fantasies in this game, and you should. This also includes holy wars, the titular crusades but also jihads, in a very sanitized way (because the actual, tragic history of those conflicts does not factor into the game when all you see is tiny soldiers with numbers attached marching in the desert).

Third, this is also Sims, for men. As you comtrol your character, and eventually, their descendants, other characters come into play, a noble family, your dynasty that you’re the head of. 

In the past I wrote about how men actually love romance – But this is not that. This is about the fact that, as it turns out, the urge to control a simulated family, make your little characters do as you want them to, dress as you want them to, marry (and cheat with) whom you want them to, is not just for women players, like with the Sims. It’s just that to market it for men, you have to wrap it up in man stuff. In this case, you have to cover it up in a Medieval dynastic empire-builder 4X game, as an excuse so that men can enjoy playing Sims in peace.

But fourth, all of those things pale in comparison to the real reason that this game is an epic: The Roman Empire.

Yes, we know, the whole internet knows. If we tell you what we want, what we really, really want, it’s the Roman Empire. Building a Viking realm is great. Taking France from the Karlings is great. Raising perfect heirs only to watch them become reclusive drunkard fornicators before you can take over them is great. Winning jousting championships and the favor of ladies, adventuring through the world from the Urals through Baghdad to the Cataracts of the Nile is great. But nothing beats the feeling of restoring the Roman Empire.

And isn’t that the point of video games? To escape from the world for a little bit, to submerge yourself into a dream world and to bask in the eternal glory of Rome?

10/10 game, no notes. If you liked Game of Thrones, you will love this. If you’re a history nerd, you will love this. And if you think that the HRE is the real Roman Empire then you’re a pretender.